I tried to make it go away but it probably won‘t change

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Malik Harris

Now. You might be sat alone at your laptop staring at the local election results, drinking a can of Breakers from the corner shop and wallowing in self hatred at memories of recent UK entrants, but even Humperdoink, Blue, Josh Dubovnie, Scooch, Gemini, DJ Daz and that bin man off the X Factor haven’t done as badly in the past decade as the Germans.

Apart from that year when Lena sung about wearing new underwear (they’re blue – I wore them just the other day), they have done really really fucking badly. Of course, they (like us) are one of the “Big Five” and thus help bankroll the whole thing, so they’ve tended not to care given they (like us) get an automatic ticket to the final (in case you’ve not noticed there are two semi finals on during the week leading up covered on BBC3, which is why you can get three hours in on the Saturday and STILL not see your sweepstake pick).

We tend to toss blame about – Brexit, Boris, Blair, Brown, Boris, Cameron, May, Farage, Iraq, political voting, the NHS, the immigrants, the weather, STATINS, Meghan Markle, the parents etc – or alternatively we just xenophobically project idiocy onto foreigners for our scores, but the Germans know all too well that if you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got.

And then do it again anyway.

A few years back for example they almost entered Andreas Kümmert – a man who looked like he’d spent a lot of time on his own sofa watching Game of Thrones with his hand down his tracksuit bottoms – until he realised he’d actually won a Song For Germany and panicked, gave the second place finisher a perfunctory hug, and wandered off the stage, spending the rest of the night abusing his fans on Twitter.

Unsurprisingly runner up and eventual Eurovision entrant Ann Sophie then promptly went to Vienna and came last.

Their ability to fail at this and not blame others is like an art. There was the year they sent a baffled looking woman called “Levina” to sing a diet-lilt version of Titanium. Songwriter Lindy Robbins had in the past written songs for Anastacia, the Backstreet Boys, Faith Hill, Shaggy, Jason Derulo, David Guetta, Olly Murs, and Demi Lovato, and when asked for her formula explained “I try to write with my heart, not my head”- but in this case she appeared to have written the song with her arse. Levina came second from last.

Last year they sent a man called Jendrik to sing a song called “I don’t feel hate”, and it’s good job. On reddit, Lumeria reckoned it was “cute and kind of fun, like a family friendly version of Lily Allen’s Fuck You”, but to these ears and eyes it transcended all previous meanings of grating.

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This year I thought we were going to get this brilliant bit of Katy Perry style american pop, but then in the actual final Emily Roberts appeared on stage and forgot the lyrics to the second verse and just sang “Damn, Wow” instead.

That left us with a woman singing out of tune about anxiety, German’s little and large with a song from Van Wilder and the miserable winner – a song the fansites are calling “BEIGE HETEROSEXUAL NONSENSE”, and it’s very hard to disgagree. The press release tells us that “his grandfather was an opera singer, his grandmother a pianist, and his father plays several instruments and teaches cello” but they may as well have played the spoons for all the musical talent on display here.

The song is apparently about the good old days of Malik’s childhood and youth, those “lighthearted, mindless times when being happy was so easy and unconditional and how we all somehow leave those times behind at a certain point and get caught up in thoughts, doubts, our everyday lives and so on and so on”. That’ll be the point you enter toss like this on behalf of your whole country, Malik.

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Jim Dickinson

@Wonkhe SUs. Trustee @WinchesterSU. HE policy. Pop. Pro EU(rovision). Windmills not walls. FRSA. Dreams of visiting Moldova. A brunch. Dressing up. A feeling.

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