We‘re standing tall and looking up, our Father would be proud


There was a time when the Estonians would enter “five girls in the playground pretending to be the Spice Girls” dross like this, but these days Estonia have an upsetting selection process that every year takes a ton of interesting and unusual indie stuff and slowly knocks out all the quirks until you’re left with something pointlessly bland and generic. Back in 2013 for example they could have sent unpleasant multicoloured unitard punk band “Winny Pugh”, but instead opted for this toilet break ballad that can’t even be bothered to deliver the key change it barely builds up for. What an absolute bunch of clowns.

FNvjip5WQAAAumjThis year we could have had a woman raising her pitch higher and higher until the strings holding her mid-air snapped, or this man singing about “emotionless ejaculation”, and a woman called Elysa was almost the winner with a song called “Fire”. Tragically, her house caught fire days later. Estonian news covered the story, but spread false information saying the fire was caused by her sauna, which she denied, saying she doesn’t have a sauna.

They were all whittled away of course, and as a result it’s difficult to overstate quite how dull AI-designed chiselbot Stefan’s actual winning entry is.

hero (4)

I mean for god’s sake. Fascinating facts in the press release include “the entertainment industry flows through Stefan’s veins” (that sounds like a disorder mate) “the verses came first, then the chorus” (then the nausea) and “Despite spending a good portion of 2020 in a giant ram costume (on The Masked Singer), Stefan was named the country’s Sexiest Man of the Year by the popular magazine Kroonika”. Sexy indeed, if you’re the sort of person that used to get turned on while gawping at the animatronics on Prof. Burp’s Bubble Works.

These girls love him anyway.

The song is a cold, bland, emotionless by-the-numbers watered down version of Mans Zelmerlow’s Heroes, which was in and of itself a cold, bland, emotionless by-the-numbers watered down version of David Guetta’s Lovers on the Sun. The only good bit is near the end when he couldn’t be bothered to write any lyrics so just sings “I Hope” over and over and over again, but he makes it sound like “Hi Ho, Hi Ho”, so I’m very much hoping that the audience in the Pala Alpitour follow up with “It’s off to work we go”.

My favourite Estonian entry was their 2003 time travel smash “Eighties Coming Back” by Ruffus. Watch that video and suddenly you’re there – not in the 80’s, but in your living room in 2003 knocking back liquorsave gin and own brand frazzles with people round that you’ve since blocked on twitter. In this version you can even hear Wogan sounding a bit pissed blithering on about accordions and incorrectly predicting that “Baltic block voting” would work in Estonia’s favour. The daft racist – it came 21st.

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Jim Dickinson

@Wonkhe SUs. Trustee @WinchesterSU. HE policy. Pop. Pro EU(rovision). Windmills not walls. FRSA. Dreams of visiting Moldova. A brunch. Dressing up. A feeling.

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