You never followed, and now you‘re blocked

The Show

And so to Denmark, home of The Killing, the Borgen, one half of the Bridge, the Carlsberg, the Lego, the (highly underwhelming) Little Mermaid, the Hans Christian Anderson, those butter cookies you get in tins, a friend in London (because everyone has A Friend In London), these tasty looking Christmas Donuts (nom nom nom) and Emily. You know, Emily. Of the forest.

I love Denmark. It’s small. They drink (reassuringly) expensive beer. The public transport’s good. They have a theme park right in the middle of their capital city. Tax is high (I like that). And it’s the kind of place where you can be out browsing well designed and expensive kitchen goods when “bang!” there appears indie pop outfit Alphabeat, buying a flourescent green ladle. Although on reflection it’s probably that sort of easy living that killed the young dudes in the high boots.

So I was proper excited when the contest was held in Denmark in 2014, and what a contest that was. You know that old saying about rounding them up and putting them on a island? That is literally what the Danes did, chucking Eurovision and its 30,000 onsite fans onto a drizzly building site island complex complete with festival toilets, festival beer and a leaky press tent, busting the budget by a record amount in the process and gaining precisely 0 extra tourists as a result. Tack!

The Danes have a habit of selecting spectacularly bland entries – and true to form in this year’s national final of abject, offensive mediocrity (although not as mediocre as the year they found Whigfield in a skip) the Danes managed to winkle out the song that sounds most like a huge Danish crown being scraped down a massive pane of Danish glass – performed by a girl band whose music is “where rock and punk mix playfully with classic strings and colourful pop”.

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The group – slung together to make up the numbers six weeks before DMGP – says here that they wanted to tell the world “that women can do everything on their own”, which doesn’t really work when you’re signing a song written by four men, although at least when they add “we all wondered why there were so few female bands in Denmark” they can rest assured that teenage girls in Roskilde and Aarhus won’t be looking at this dismal piano ballad cum Avril Lavinge knock off and thinking they couldn’t top it.

For drummer Ihan, this is the second time she has graced the Eurovision stage, having previously participated in 2012 with Danish artist Soluna Samay. That failed to get through its semi as well.

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Jim Dickinson

@Wonkhe SUs. Trustee @WinchesterSU. HE policy. Pop. Pro EU(rovision). Windmills not walls. FRSA. Dreams of visiting Moldova. A brunch. Dressing up. A feeling.

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