Boys Do Cry
I have an entirely unjustified soft spot for the Swiss, which I think is derived from hundreds of summer mornings spent watching badly dubbed episodes of Heidi from behind the sofa. That Goat Peter. What an asshole!
It’s unjustified because they are so rubbish at Eurovision that they make us look like the Swedes. We’ve seen it all. Vampires, golden showers, terrible English (“sweem against the stroom” indeed), four generations of the Salvation Army, ena stupendo and an ena stupendously annoying twiddly dee folk song performed by a smug pillock in a waistcoat. Cuckoo clocks the lot of them.
You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock.
This year’s chunk of bland swiss cheese comes courtesy of Marius Bear, who abandoned his plan of becoming a construction machinery mechanic in order to tour Germany and Switzerland as a street musician. At one festival, he got to know a famous producer who invited him to New York, and quickly became part of the Swiss artistic and creative arts scene there. He then moved to the UK where he studied music production at the BIMM Institute in London, and now he’s singing about his fucking feelings.
Talking about the song, Bear notes: “I learnt very early on that I don’t need to be ashamed of my feelings. As a man, I’m not afraid to cry and to lay bare my weaknesses to my audience. I don’t want to wear emotional armour, I want to be who I am. And I want to encourage my audience to do the same.” See? It’s this year’s cuckoo clock. People thought “Boys Don’t Cry” could win when it first emerged but they are very stupid indeed. It’s not the “John Lewis Christmas advert rejects” contest.